not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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