I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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