Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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