At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
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