Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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