There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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