So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
