he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
