What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
