I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
