census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
