She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
