If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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