my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
