I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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