you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Randomize
