Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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