he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Randomize
