I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Randomize
