life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
