I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
We got so high we made milksteak
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
