eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
