I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
