My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Randomize
