i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
