I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
