i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
