Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
