yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
