what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
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