She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
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