there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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