You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Randomize
