Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Randomize
