i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
