Betty ford says i'm here all night
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
