He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
