Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
