his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
