i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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