now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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