She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
