Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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