i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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