so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
