Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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