last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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