More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
