when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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