I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
