I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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