two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
