My sheets look like a crime scene.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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