i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
